Tuesday 8 October 2019 by Neil Floyd

Man starves to death after spending three weeks looking for something to watch while eating


Man dies deciding what to watch with food

Tragedy struck the town of Basingstoke this week when a man starved to death after spending three weeks looking for something to watch while eating.

The victim, who local police have identified as Simon Williams, was found unresponsive in his flat last Thursday.

“We hate to see this happen, especially to somebody with so many streaming service subscriptions,” said police spokesperson Matilda Dixon.

“Our investigation concluded that Williams sat on his couch with an extra-large pizza around 7:30 PM on September 10th. Then, he spent the next twenty days endlessly browsing his collection of streaming services, unable to decide, panic building as his pizza got cold.

“Despite Williams’ many streaming services, he couldn’t find the perfect program for background noise as he shovelled pizza down his gullet and looked at Instagram.

“Our top analysts are working overtime to determine how this was possible, given the number of content options the deceased had available to him. This sort of thing just shouldn’t happen in a developed country.”

Williams’ passing has rocked the close-knit Hampshire community, but his sister, Simone, is trying her best to move on.

“I’ll never forget walking into Simon’s apartment and finding him on the couch,” said Ms. Williams.

“It was horrific. Umbrella Academy was highlighted on Netflix, and it said he hadn’t watched any of the series yet – but he’d told me the previous week that he loved it. He…he recommended a show to me that he hadn’t even watched! I’ve been beside myself for days. How could he do that to me? How could he do that to our family?”

Unfortunately, Williams’ death is not an isolated incident, according to Royal College of Psychiatrists member Dr. Matthew Barhauzer.

“Cases like these are only getting more frequent,” said Barhauzer.

“Research shows people are spending more time in front of screens than ever, from watching a show on TV to creating a Change.org petition to fire the showrunners and reshoot the entire season. The RCP recommends keeping emergency episodes of Fawlty Towers or The Office handy at all times; research suggests the human mind prefers watching Finchy throw Tim’s shoe over a pub for the hundredth time, instead of trying something new like a well-adjusted adult.”

At press time, the Basingstoke ambulance service was distributing free feeding tubes to residents in case they couldn’t get out of bed in the morning after opening Facebook on their phones.

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