Staunch supporters of Brexit were left deeply troubled last night, after a leaked government report stated that crashing out of the EU could severely limit the supply of people and institutions that they routinely hold responsible for every aspect of modern life that makes them angry.
In Eastbourne, retired bailiff Simon Williams admitted that he could not easily write-off warnings of a scapegoat shortage as Project Fear.
“With all things Brexit, I normally refer to the war that I wasn’t born for but somehow believe I helped win. But this is different.
“If we have no ties with the EU, then who can I rant about when the council changes the collection day for the bins? And if the Polish immigrants go, who will shoulder the blame for my recurrent piles or my growing addiction to Japanese cartoon pornography? This is not what we were promised!”
In response to the leak, the Department for Exiting the EU quickly put out a press release to soothe the concerns of those Britons reliant on foreigners to vent their bile.
It explained, “We have been working round the clock so we can leave on 31st October. All cabinet ministers have been fully trained to blame their incompetence on the markets, Chinese currency manipulation and, inspired from our American cousins, the Deep State.
“Also, we have made provisions to fly in migrants from Bangladesh in the short term, so Daily Mail readers can keep muttering about not being able to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations in the street.
“But we need to believe in Britain and look at future solutions. Never forget that this country is a pioneer, and the world’s very best, at blaming systemic structural failures on the one group that can’t possibly defend itself.