Monday 7 October 2019

Closure of Pizza Express could see dangerous rise in blackmarket dough balls


black market dough balls

As reports emerge that Pizza Express is in talks with creditors to manage its sizeable debts, concerns have been raised by the spectre of black market dough balls being sold on a street corner near you.

The popular chain services many middle-class addicts of its tiny warm bread product, and addiction that won’t disappear with the restaurants themselves should the worst happen.

“I gotta get me some doughballs man,” said one deathly-white patron who was sweating profusely.

“Just a little taste, that’s all I need. You got some spare dough balls man? I’ll take ’em dry, I don’t mind. You are selling, right? Are you even carrying?

“I’ll pay anything, it doesn’t matter. I’ll take you out back and suck you off if that’s what it’s gonna take?”

Health experts have warned that a gap in the market for doughballs could see unscrupulous suppliers simply rolling up slices of plain white bread from Tesco, or worse, Aldi, and passing them off to desperate addicts as ‘the real thing’.

Public health official Simon Williams told us, “Dough balls should come from a reputable source, one where you know how they’ve been rolled and cooked, and can rely on them being fresh. Ideally with a tiny little bowl of garlic butter.

“You should never, and can’t stress this enough, NEVER trust a doughball you bought on the street, and certainly not one bought in a pub toilet – no matter how desperate you get.

“They might offer the first one free, but trust me, you’ll paying for the next one for the rest of your life.”

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