Geordie accent to be banned under proposed data encryption laws

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The Geordie accent will be banned under new encryption laws being proposed by the home secretary, we can report today.

Prompted by Priti Patel, the laws are intended to make it illegal to use any form of communication which is not comprehensible to the police and security services, meaning that people from Newcastle are well stuffed.

Geordies are unhappy at the news, we think, after one told us, “Ah think it’s deed ladgeful that people want tuh sta wor talkin leek this.

“It’s neet leek wor talkin is difficult tuh understand. it’s just words leek.

“We’re neet deeyuhn any terrorism or owt,” they concluded, incomprehensibly.

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Scouse and Glaswegian accents are also expected to be prohibited.

“The purpose of encryption is to take meaningful communication and turn it into a string of meaningless gobbledygook which nobody in their right mind can understand,” a spokesman for GCHQ told us.

“So that’s the Welsh language right out as well, come to think about it.

“Did you know the Welsh word for ‘year’ is ‘blwyddyn’? How are we supposed to work that out? There’s not even any vowels to start with.

“I’m not Alan fucking Turing, you know.”

People from Newcastle are allegedly furious about the new laws, but frankly it’s impossible to be certain without an interpreter.