Wednesday 2 October 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Tory conference ends with traditional ritual human sacrifice


Boris Sacrifice

The Tory party has confirmed that their conference will close as planned with the traditional human sacrifice in praise of the great and most evil Beelzebub.

The confirmation puts an end to speculation that they would be replacing the human sacrifice with a less potent animal sacrifice of a cow or large sheep.

“There were a few health and safety issues to get around,” said a Tory insider.

“We’re in Manchester this time, and they can be funny about human sacrifice in Manchester.”

It is understood that the health and safety regulations were circumvented without the need to invoke the hellish power of the Tory’s Dark Lord, or Dominic Raab as he is sometimes known.

Delegates have been urged to book their place for the sacrifice early as it will sell out.

“It’s going to be big this year,” continued the insider.

“We have a lot to praise the Horned one for; from us getting away with the whole no-deal Brexit thing, the continued ridicule and demonization of Jeremy Corbyn, Venison pie for dinner on Wednesday evening.

“We’ve had a good year, and it’s about to get a whole lot better.”

The human sacrifice will take place at midday on Wednesday in the main hall of the Manchester venue and, as Tory tradition dictates, will be performed by a black-robed Boris Johnson whilst wearing a headdress made from the head of a freshly slaughtered goat.

Similar to the outfit he wore to on his first date with Carrie Symonds.

“I voted Tory for a kinder, fairer society for all”, said no-one ever – get the t-shirt!

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