Government proposes Schrodinger’s Irish Border, which exists when you want sovereignty and doesn’t exist when you want frictionless trade

author avatar by 4 years ago

The Irish border will exist in multiple uncertain states in which it both exists and doesn’t exist at the same time depending on what you want right this second, according to proposals unveiled today.

Two borders will coexist in a state of quantum superposition; one which prevents undesirables and European laws from crossing, and another which is highly permeable to cheap imports.

Despite seeming internally contradictory, the Department for Exiting the EU insist that quantum events have been observed at the Planck scale and can exist for a fraction of a second, so permanently applying it to the Irish border is no more ridiculous than anything else they’ve suggested.

The government expects the suggestion to be warmly received by the European Union, which similarly exists in two states at once depending on who is speaking; one where it is so weak it desperately needs British money and another where it is powerful enough to bully Britain.

“The border would exist in a theoretical state which is only resolved when you look at it,” a spokesman told us. “So if you’re driving a lorry load of car parts, for example, the border exists as a wave, as we wave you through.

“But if you’re a migrant fruit picker hoping to take a cash-in-hand job it resolves as a particle which has enough volume, density and mass as is required to stop you passing. Simple!

“Also, at high energy states, the Irish border can jump to a higher shell at Drogheda, whilst at lower energies, it will manifest in the Irish sea.”

“What do Michael Gove and an electron have in common?” he added.

“They both interfere with themselves when nobody is looking.”

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