The Home Secretary’s debut speech at the Conservative Party conference has created great emotional turmoil and profound inner conflict among racists, ethnic nationalists, rabid anti-immigration zealots and idiots down the pub who preface all their opinions with “you all know I’m not prejudiced but….”.
Simon Williams, a copper wiring thief who ‘patrols’ beaches in Kent with his gouty friends, was one of many racially prejudiced Britons who struggled with the paradox of seeing their ideal politician in the shape of someone they spent their lives detesting.
“It’s ripping me up inside. When I look at her, I just see the type of small Asian woman that I routinely shower with abuse when I see them alone on the tube.
“But then I listen to her words and I feel truly elated. Like I have finally found an utterly callous leader who will needlessly persecute all the groups that I blame for a lifetime of self-inflicted failures.
“It’s just so confusing!”
Mr Williams explained that Priti Patel, despite being a BAME person whose very existence caused him anguish, was also seen as a genuine hatemonger by his peers.
“We’ve been let down before. Remember Theresa May? Great at first. Sending around vans with the same message that I once painted on the walls of a gurdwara.
“Or that time she deported British people to Jamaica for being black. But then she got into number 10 and did nothing. Not even a proposal to expel Romanian gypsies.
“As for Priti? I’m still not sure if I should salute her or throw lager cans at her, but I do know she’d happily put all Muslims in labour camps just to be nicknamed the Asian Dissuasion by the Daily Mail.”