Latest Brexit plan for Boris to squeeze Barnier’s thigh under the negotiating table in attempt to get deal

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The Prime Minister will avoid a further extension to the Brexit deadline by going to Brussels and doing what he does best – letting his wandering hands work their magic.

Details of the UK’s proposals for reaching a Brexit deal have been revealed – the Prime Minister is all set to sexually assault Michel Barnier.

“The PM knows exactly what Barnier wants, and he’s man enough to give it to him,” said a Downing Street spokesman.

“Theresa was never bold enough, but Boris has no such inhibitions.”

The Prime Minister suggested that all this Irish backstop nonsense was simply part of a prolonged mating ritual.

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“Michel, my belle,” he said. “What a tease he is! He’s been playing hard to get but he’s absolutely gagging for it – I have an excellent nose for these things.

“Barnier normally starts negotiating sessions by sitting opposite me so I’ll start off with a classic bit of footsie. That will encourage him to move seats after the coffee break and take his place by my side.

“As everyone knows, sitting next to somebody is another way of saying, ‘touch me anywhere you like big boy!’

“And I will! I’ll squeeze his juicy thigh through the deliciously tight trousers he always wears especially for my benefit. His crotch will be my oyster!

“I’ll negotiate him like he’s never been negotiated before – he’ll get a satisfying deal all right.

“Hootchie cootchie!”