DexEU confident its brilliant suggestion that the UK annex Ireland will soothe Irish border concerns in Brussels

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In order to break the negotiations deadlock over the problem of a hard border in Ireland, the UK government has come up with an ingenious proposal to simply make the Irish Republic a part of the UK and it sees no reason why this should get people upset.

Simon Williams, lead political advisor to the Department for Exiting the EU, insisted that suggestion to annex Ireland and make the new region of South Ulster was exactly the kind of innovative solutions the EU was asking for.

He told us, “It’s a great idea and came directly from the prime minister himself.

“Frankly I’m surprised it hasn’t been tried before to be honest. After all, Ireland speaks English and drives on the left for some reason, so they’re basically ready for it.

“And once they are part of the UK, there’s no reason to get tetchy about a border. Those IRA types will have no reason to start trouble. It’s win-win for everyone.”

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Mr Williams was adamant the annexation would be beneficial to Ireland.

“Ireland can finally join a powerful country with growth barely one-fifth of what it has now. And all the UK would love to have a new province, including myself. I love the Emerald Isle. Graham Norton, U2, corned beef that doesn’t come in a tin and that lovely way you call your vicars ‘father’. What a grand craic, as they say in their charming rustic way.

“No, I never really bothered much with history. Oxford PPE, as it happens. Why do you ask?”