Thursday 26 September 2019 by Arabin Patson

Man successfully distracts from his moral bankruptcy and ineptitude by being horribly offensive


Boris Johnson distracts people from what he did

Boris Johnson, a Benny Hill cosplayer and politician from London, has discovered how he could easily move the news cycle away from his political incompetence and possibly illegal practices by simply spouting highly offensive statements about a murdered MP.

Mr Johnson’s press spokesperson, Simon Williams, explained how the idea came about after meeting with one of the great American experts in the art of diverting attention by being an objectionable cunt.

“We were having a really low moment back then in New York. The Supreme Court had labelled the PM a lying shit and then there was that stuff about giving funds to a lovely buxom lady who understands discretion.

“But then President Trump explained that the most important thing is that you decide the front page, however nasty it is.

“How he always said something highly offensive about war heroes or minority women whenever it was revealed he was incompetent and corrupt. That way the media forgot about the serious damage being done to America and just focused on what an irritating prick he was.”

Mr Williams said that the advice came from Donald Trump but the final strategy was a British decision.

“We had to make it specific to the UK so we decided he would say that Brexit would be a celebration of the memory of a woman murdered by a far-right scumbag while she was campaigning against it.”

Mr Williams said the PM was not worried that the callous and inflammatory remarks would hurt him with his supporters.

“Have you ever been to a Wetherspoons? Trust me, we’re golden.”

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