Thursday 26 September 2019 by Chris Ballard

Jacob Rees-Mogg claims refund under good night guarantee after raucous Commons debate ruins his sleep


Rees-Mogg sleep ruined

The Leader of the House of Commons is putting in a good night guarantee claim after awful shouty people meant he couldn’t get a wink of sleep on the front benches.

Spirits were high in the House of Commons yesterday with unprecedented levels of energy, passion and – annoyingly for Jacob Rees-Mogg – noise.

“I’m obviously going to claim compensation,” said Mr Rees-Mogg. “I don’t come here to listen to working-class Labour politicians yelling like they’re at some sort of footing the ball game.

“I was tossing and turning on the benches for hours but just couldn’t drift off thanks to the anti-social behaviour on the opposition benches.

“I’d be on the verge of sleep when some hooligan would shout something asinine like ‘disgrace!’ and suddenly I’d be wide awake needing a wee. Five times I emptied my bladder – the most productive I’ve been in my entire political career.

“I turned on Radio 4 as that often helps send me off to the land of nod – it’s what Nanny used to play when I was a toddler. However, they were simply broadcasting excerpts of the angry exchanges from the very room in which I was attempting to doze off!

“To make matters worse Boris kept having to stand up to deal with these oiks so I couldn’t even use his lovely plump thighs as a pillow.”

Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab said, “Well I had a lovely kip – I just read a few pages of Jacob’s book.”

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