Finishing a marathon most certainly not better than sex, confirm scientists

author avatar by 4 years ago

A cross-disciplinary research team from the University of Croydon has debunked the common phrase, usually affirmed by a particular sub-group of endurance runners, that crossing the finish line after running 26 miles is somehow better than a squelchy fumble of genitals with an enthusiastic partner.

Professor Amanda Tinnock explained that her team of doctors and psychologists all confirmed that the expression was patently false.

She explained, “We used the latest bio-feedback measuring equipment on a large cohort of both lovers and long distance runners after they had finished.

“We consistently found much higher endorphin levels and inane satisfied grins in people who had just been going at it like sea-otters, than gaunt braggarts who have just crossed a city in the least efficient and most painful way possible.

“Now we have scientific proof that marathon runners are definitely talking out of their bony arses.”

However, some in the extreme running community still maintained that ruining your knees over 46 kilometers was more fun than any human interaction they had experienced. As confirmed Simon Williams, an obnoxious skeletal wanker who came 27,456th in last year’s London marathon.

“It’s the best thing in the world! You train for weeks, eat 5 bananas a day, treat weepign sores from chafing and then it’s the big day! Then you get the rush of jogging next to some idiot in a costume and maybe take a squirty shit between 2 cars before crossing the line hours after the pros have gone home and the stewards hardly bother checking your number. It’s the ultimate buzz and must be better than sex. At least it’s better than the one time I paid that lady in Amsterdam because my friends egged me on.

“That made me feel sad.”