Britain successfully leaves EU with a deal and six weeks to spare, according to Boris

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Britain has left the EU and everything is now fine, according to Boris Johnson this afternoon.

Boris Johnson is positively giddy at his own success, having sorted out the Irish border problem, securing a great trade deal with all EU member nations and even ensuring they send us each a bottle of port at Christmas.

“Bloody fantastic,” said Tory party spokesperson, Mark Wainwright.

“Who knew Boris had it in him? He’s played a blinder here. What a statesman, what a MAN!

“I would never have thought of his solution to the Irish border. It’s a massively technical solution which the Prime minister actually specced out himself, and it’s going to work perfectly.

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“Just brilliant. What a day. Now we can finally get on with things!”

Remoaner, Jay Cooper, said, “Well, fuck me sideways.

“I certainly didn’t expect Boris Johnson, of all people, to not only secure a deal that would make EVERYBODY happy, including me, but also to do it with six weeks to spare! No wonder my wife fancies him.”

The Prime Minister commented “RUFF RAHHHHHH!” while doing a victory lap around the reopened House of Commons with his shirt pulled over his head.

“Stick that up your allotment, Corbyn, you commie bastard! BOJO! BOJO! BOJO!”