President of Supreme Court did A-Level French and so is clearly biased, says appalled Daily Mail

author avatar by 4 years ago

The Daily Mail has discovered that all the judges of the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom are disgusting deviants who love foreign ways.

The Supreme Court is currently determining whether the Prime Minister acted lawfully in suspending Parliament. Naturally, the Daily Mail has found some pretty damning evidence to suggest that the judges are a bunch of loony Remainers.

“The Court is clearly biased against Brexit,” said Mail Editor Simon Williams. “The catalogue of foreign-loving activities is almost unbelievable. How could people this perverse rise to positions of power?”

The judges and their moral transgressions are listed below. Readers of a nervous disposition and pregnant women should look away now as the list contains graphic Europhilia and is likely to cause true patriots to vomit blood.

– Baroness Hale of Richmond: Not only took A-Level French but got an A.

– Lord Reed: Once ate a croissant. He then said, “Oh this is nice, what’s it called?” and – when told – attempted to repeat it in a French accent.

– The Lord Kerr of Tonaghmore: Attended the Salvador Dali museum in Spain. Enjoyed the weird paintings so much he bought a postcard of ‘Galatea of the Spheres’ in the gift shop.

– Lord Wilson of Culworth: Visited Pisa in a country called Italy and was the subject of an ‘amusing’ photo whereby he pretended to be holding up the leaning tower.

– Lord Carnwath of Notting Hill: Once quietly admired a free kick by foreigner Cristiano Ronaldo.

– Lord Hodge: Spent AN ENTIRE FORTNIGHT on a gite holiday in the Loire valley.

– Lady Black of Derwent: Owns a CD copy of Air’s ‘Moon Safari.’

– Lord Lloyd-Jones: Has watched more than four French-language films all the way through – with subtitles. They didn’t even have tits in them.

– Lord Briggs of Westbourne: Was once a passenger in a Peugeot.

– Lady Arden of Heswall: The star on top of her Christmas tree was purchased in a ‘traditional’ German market.

– Lord Kitchin: Regularly orders pizza on a Saturday evening.

– Lord Sales: Saw Les Miserables at the West End, a deviant musical which celebrates French types.

Should the Court find the Prime Minister to have acted lawfully the Mail will, of course, print a tiny apology in June 2034.