Tuesday 17 September 2019 by Arabin Patson

Luxembourg PM says that if you come to his gaff and give it lip then you’re going to get a slapping


Xavier Bettel

Xavier Bettel, Prime Minister of the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg and a lad who can handle himself, told journalists that his treatment of Boris Johnson might seem a bit OTT but you should only come east of the Alzette if you’re proper tasty and not a gobby muppet.

Sigmund Wilhelms, Mr Bettel’s top boy and boxing coach, explained his guv’s attitude to yappy little posers, while filling in betting slips in one of Luxembourg’s shady bookies.

“Xav comes across as a geezer but he’s not into claret. But if you come looking for him then you’ll find him. That little scrote prances in here like he owns the place and the lazy slag hasn’t even got the concrete proposals on the backstop he’s been blabbing about? You know that’s taking serious liberties!

“Not being funny, but Boris is lucky Xav was in a good mood because the filth just dropped a case. You might call what happened brutal, but in the Grand Duchy that’s how we play it. Ask any of the 27.”

Asked if the PM’s ridiculing of Boris Johnson while the latter cowered inside was the sign of a new hostile approach from the EU towards the UK, Mr Williams explained that Europe doesn’t get the hump over a little shoeing.

“Xav’s harsh but he’s fair. Boris got what was coming and now he can man up and show he can hack it. We don’t start fights in Luxembourg. But we do finish them.”

Mr Williams then winked and offered journalists some tins of strong lager.

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