Monday 16 September 2019 by Chris Ballard

Boris Johnson to play Hulk in ‘Brexiters Assemble’


Boris Hulk

Marvel is rebooting its successful superhero franchise with a bunch of old xenophobes.

Now that it’s been absolutely months since the Avengers movies came to an end Marvel Studios has decided it’s time to start remaking them all with a clever twist.

“We want to make our superheroes relevant to the modern world,” said producer Simon Williams.

“When we started with the first Iron Man movie, Brexit wasn’t even a thing. People don’t go to the cinema to escape these thorny political issues – our audience wants us to tackle them head-on.

“Hence the latest gang of daft-looking wallies in positions of power – The Brexiters.”

Some casting details have been announced:

Boris Johnson will play The Hulk. Whenever he loses a parliamentary vote he becomes angry and turns into a hideous monster (to be played by Ann Widdecombe) shouting ‘Big Girl’s Blouse’ at random passersby.

Jacob Rees-Mogg will play Iron Lady Man. Wearing a Margaret Thatcher suit he flies around the UK creating unemployment and social inequality.

Nigel Farage will play Captain Britain. A weedy little twat created in a military laboratory, Captain Britain spends all his time reminiscing about the halcyon days of the Second World War – a better time when Brits were allowed to slag off the French and kill Germans. The Captain carries a Union Flag shield in order to protect himself from milkshakes.

Dominic Raab will play Thor. His subtle negotiating strategy involves smashing a massive sledgehammer on the table while scowling like a man whose mother never gave him a hug.

Priti Patel will play that woman one.

The first in the new series of 142 films – Brexiters Assemble – will be hitting cinemas on 31 October. Definitely.

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