Both Labour and the Conservatives have railed against the Liberal Democrats in the wake of several high profile defections and some explosive revelations in the Sunday papers that the centrist party did not viciously attack its own members at the slightest hint of dissent.
Speaking for the Labour Party, spokesperson Amanda Tinnock said that the Lib Dems’ refusal to abuse their own MPs constituted a “naked and cynical attempt to steal our members”.
She went on, “Although they deny it, it is an open secret that our MPs are told they can disagree with Jo Swinson, or say that the party had not handled things well, and no one would send a mob after them to call them Blairite Zionist traitors.
“This is a stunning breach of established protocols. What’s next? Will they allow party members to discuss policy without being part of a small clique formed in the eighties? It’s shameful!”
Tory Communications Director, Simon Williams, agreed with his Labour counterpart that getting MPs to defect, by not being utter pricks to them, was beyond the pale.
He explained, “It’s blatant poaching and frankly it’s un-British. We are an ancient democracy bound by rules and the Lib Dems just spit on them. Can you even name just one Lib Dem MP that complained of psychotic special advisors sending them threats at all hours of the night? Our country is governed best when it uses fear, privilege and intimidation. That’s why our finest leaders came from public school.”
The Liberal Democrats would not comment on the accusations but did mention that their door was always open and they had cake.
“Lemon Drizzle. None of that carrot cake shit.’’