To prevent No Deal you’ll have to let Jeremy f*ck up everything else, insists Labour

author avatar by 4 years ago

The price of blocking a no-deal Brexit is putting Jeremy Corbyn in charge so he can fuck everything else up instead, Labour have confirmed.

Corbyn has offered to become Prime Minister without an election in order to stop the UK leaving the EU without a deal, but potential allies are reluctant to deal on those terms due to his pledge to fuck up absolutely everything just as badly, but in different ways.

“It’s not an easy choice,” said wavering MP Simon Williams. “On the one hand you’ve got a Prime Minister whose supporters ignore his manifest flaws, have led vitriolic hate campaigns against any dissenting voices whilst proposing an economic spray of shit, whilst on the other hand, you’ve got Jeremy Corbyn who… oh you get the picture.

“It’s like that philosophical conundrum exemplified by the trolley problem – you see a tram full of people heading off a cliff, but you can switch the points so it explodes instead.

“Both options fucking suck, but at least if it goes off a cliff I don’t have to actively support that for it to happen – so at this stage I’m just looking busy, saying stuff that sounds concerned and hoping it all gets resolved without me having to do … well, anything.”

In an attempt to reach out to undecided MPs, this afternoon a Labour spokesman pointed out that when Jeremy fucks everything up it won’t be deliberate, it’ll be because he’s completely hopeless.