Champagne corks were flying in Downing Street last night as the Johnson administration enjoyed the rare event of an entire third of a day without the shambolic failure of an obviously doomed political strategy or a hugely embarrassing defection.
A giddy and jubilant press secretary, Simon Williams, told reporters that staff in Number 10 began to be cautiously optimistic around 10.30 pm when no Tory personality had appeared on BBC Newsnight to resign and call Boris Johnson a blubbery twat.
“Some of the interns were starting to smile but those of us that have been here since the beginning know that these things happen when you least expect them.
“I thought that if I so much as sighed in relief, then someone would find a sex tape involving Jacob Rees-Mogg, or Dominic Cummings would get drunk and call the Queen a rancid old bitch in front of the French ambassador.”
“But by around 3am, we all looked at each other and realised we were safe. It was actually happening! We could go home and not spend all night drafting a feeble slapdash excuse for yet another monumental clusterfuck from someone close to this administration.
“We cracked open some bubbly and cheered. Some people danced and I’m pretty sure I saw a couple of policy advisors going off for some fun in the stationery cupboard. It just felt good to be alive!”
Bookmakers are currently offering 200/1 odds against Boris Johnson going a full 24 hours without being publicly embarrassed and shown to be utterly incompetent.