First ‘Brexit dividend’ arrives as Wetherspoons promises to knock 20p off each pint of warm piss

author avatar by 5 years ago

The nation is beginning to reap the many benefits of Brexit before Britain has even left the EU, it has emerged, after a chain of pubs announced they would reduce the price of a murky glass of warm piss by up to 20p.

Wetherspoons founder and sun-dried scarecrow Tim Martin made the announcement yesterday in order to prove his point that Brexit will be beneficial to everyone and have no negative consequences at all.

“20p is a massive saving to regular, hard-working people like me,” he told reporters this morning.

“Well, I imagine it is, anyway. And especially after wages drop and the price of food soars, 20p will hold even greater value. To think that people doubted the benefits of Brexit, eh?

“I mean, who doesn’t want a pint of within-a-whisker-of-its-sell-by-date Stella with up to 20p off? That’s quite a bargain, especially if you’re going to down ten of them and then verbally abuse the nearest Romanian.”

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Former whingeing remoaner and now loyal Wetherspoons customer Simon Williams from Margate told us, “Well that’s me convinced!

“Saving up to 20p on each pint of warm piss that I’ll struggle to drink in a rowdy pub while an England game is on is definitely part of the ‘sunlit uplands’ that I used to mock.

“How can Brexit be anything other than good for the nation when good British business owners like Tim Martin are able to do this for us? He’s even managed to do it before Brexit!”

Pausing, he added, “Oh hang on – if he can make this kind of saving available to us now, why do we need to leave at all? Shit, I’m beginning to suspect this might be a publicity stunt, you know.”