Thursday 5 September 2019 by Chris Ballard

Westminster covered in vomit and half-eaten kebabs after late night Lords session


parliament at night

It was carnage in Westminster last night after peers spilt out of the House of Lords in the early hours of the morning.

It was nearly two o’clock last night by the time the House of Lords kicked out revellers after a marathon sesh.

“I can’t feel my legs,” said Baroness Jolly. “Where’s the sodding night bus?”

“Let’s just fucking walk!” said Baroness Smith, holding her high heels and balancing her bare feet on the relative softness of some double yellow lines.

“I’m hungry, let’s get a kebab!” said Lord Ashton of Hyde as he spotted a delicious length of rotating meat in a nearby window.

After ordering a doner with extra salad Lord Ashton spent a good 15 minutes painstakingly picking out all the bits of lettuce. He then devoured half of it in seconds like a hyena stuffing its face before the lions come back.

He completed the ritual by puking it all back up at the entrance to Portcullis House.

“Not sure I want this,” he said before abandoning the remains of the kebab on the windscreen of some poor soul’s parked car.

“I need a piss!” Lord Browne of Ladyton suddenly announced to the world.

Drunk though he was he realised that urinating up against a wall wouldn’t be the done thing for a life peer. He somehow managed to find his way to the underground public toilets off Parliament Square and was dismayed to find a locked gate blocking access to the gents.

He unzipped his fly, popped his todger through the bars and turned to face the CCTV camera mounted on the subway wall.

“For the record I would like to point out that I am technically pissing in the toilets,” he said as he relieved himself all over the tiles.

Lord Ashton later confirmed that all stages of the Brexit Bill would be completed in the Lords by 17:00 Friday.

“We’re not done yet – hair of the dog!” he said.

“Bleurrgh!!!”

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