Thursday 5 September 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Eton applications at all-time low after public see the sort of adults it produces


Eton applications are down

It has been revealed that applications for Eton college are at an all-time low after parents have been able to see real-life examples of the adults the school produces.

Both former Prime Minister David Cameron, who broke the country, and current Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who doesn’t think the country’s broken enough, are both products of the famous school.

“Well, we were thinking of sending little Titus to Eton, of course we were,” explained leading hedge-fund bastard Simon Williams.

“But one only has to take a look at our current PM, sulking in a puddle of impotence after having been outwitted by a man who clearly went to whatever the polar opposite of Eton is.

“Don’t even get me started on David Cameron, a man who managed to defeat himself with a referendum. I expect he would be outwitted by a garden rake lying on the floor.”

Mr Williams confirmed that he would not be sending his son to the school.

“Good Lord no, if that’s the calibre of man that Eton produces then I’m not convinced it’s worth £50,000 per year, I’m not convinced it’s worth £50 per year.

“I think Titus may well become a more impressive man with a membership of the village library and a 5-year programme of decent BBC4 documentaries.”

It is understood that Eton College has taken both Boris Johnson and David Cameron off the ‘Famous Old Etonians’ section of its website in an attempt to convince people that it doesn’t just churn out hapless, conceited mediocrities. Unfortunately, Jacob Rees-Mogg has been left on the website.

Which really won’t help matters.

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