Conservative MPs across Parliament have this afternoon lurched into a spiral of self-loathing after learning that they are now classed as a minority.
As Tory MP Philip Lee crossed the house to join the Liberal Democrats, Boris Johnson officially became the leader of a minority government.
“Oh God, a minority? How has this happened to us?” wailed backbench MP, Simon Williams.
“Now I think about it, as a minority I’m probably only sat here for the benefits, looking to milk the soft-touch system for everything I can get – how could I let myself do such a thing?
“I should probably go back to where I came from, shouldn’t I? I mean, technically that’s the Cotswolds, but I can’t help feeling that as a minority it’s my job to go back to somewhere else. I don’t know what for, I just have this nagging voice in my head telling me to go back there.
“Oh God, I’ve got another one minority sat next to me. I had a perfectly pleasant breakfast with him this morning, but suddenly I find him untrustworthy and lazy. Why is that?”
Meanwhile, at Conservative Centre HQ, vans are already being driven around the car park encouraging members of the government to ‘go back home’ or potentially face arrest.
One of the drivers told us, “No, I’ve no idea who ordered these, I was just told to turn up and drive around until all the undesirables leave.
“I’ve no idea if it’s working, but Jacob Rees-Mogg has been sat over there for the last hour self-flagellating.”