“At least it took more than a month for me to lose MY majority” chuckles Theresa May

author avatar by 5 years ago

Theresa May is laughing her tits off right about now.

The former Prime Minister heard the news that the current Prime Minister, Boris Johnson (still hurts to type that, doesn’t it? -ed) has lost his parliamentary majority after a Conservative MP defected to the Lib Dems.


“Shove that up your bollocks, you blathering Eton prick.  I told you when you stabbed me in the back that your time would come, but I’ll be honest, I thought it would take a bit longer than six weeks for him to be on the verge of leaving Downing Street.

“I mean, yeah, I was a complete disaster – hands up on that – and yes, I called an election that cost me dearly based on nothing but an overinflated perception of my own popularity, but it takes a special kind of incompetence to lose one’s majority before an election is even held.

“Maybe history will be comparatively kind to me now? Actually, between Cameron and Johnson, I’m coming off like the pleasant filling between two shit-flecked slices of stale bread.

“I think I’ll have a drink. Yes, you can do that during the day when you’re a backbench MP, nobody gives a flying toss. It’s quite nice actually.”

A government spokesperson said “Theresa May? Ohhh yeah. I remember. Heh.

“Anyway, we’ll be alright. We’re somewhat numb to catastrophic disaster by this stage and Boris will just brush this off as a difficult chapter in the Just William in Parliament book in which he’s presumably starring.”