Dominic Cummings tells potential Tory Brexit rebels, ‘I have your children’

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Boris Johnson’s chief advisor Dominic Cummings has told Tory MPs considering voting to prevent no-deal Brexit that he has their children and is not above doing what is necessary to fulfil the wishes of the people.

Cummings, who many credit with the success of the Vote Leave campaign, is now within sight of delivering the no-deal Brexit that ERG fanatics have long-fantasised about, however rebel MPs could still thwart his plan by voting with the opposition benches to delay or even prevent his beloved no-deal Brexit.

But like so many gifted political strategists before him, Cummings has gone for his opponents at their weakest point.

A government insider told us, “Dominic is always thinking three steps ahead, as he told us – it’s like Sun Tzu said in the Art of War, ‘if you can’t win fairly, kidnap the kids’.

“As such, Dominic has sent each of the rebels a nice photo of their kids playing with an iPad while he stands behind them, stoney-faced and looking right at the camera.

“The message is a simple one, give me what I desire most in the world or I will take what you value most in the world.

“We’re not sure if it’s worked yet, but we are hopeful.”

Political analyst Simon Williams told us that although the move is generally unprecedented, nothing surprises him any more in this governments attempts to secure a no-deal Brexit.

He went on, “That said, all the effort he’s gone to in kidnapping these kids is a complete waste of time. These are Tories we’re talking about remember – if he really wanted to motivate them he should have just threatened their lucrative jobs.”