Saturday 31 August 2019 by Neil Tollfree

New fitness tracker gives most convincing impression yet that it’s helping you be healthy


New fitness tracker

A new fitness tracker has been launched that, manufacturers say, will give a more convincing impression that it’s helping you be healthy than any other fitness tracker on the market.

The RunBastard 5000 is a wrist-based tracker that will periodically flash numbers at you and, every now and again, beep.

“I guarantee that within a week of putting a RunBastard 5000 on your wrist, you will be completely convinced that it is helping you get healthier,” proclaimed RunBastard proprietor Jeremy RunBastard.

“It uses a sophisticated suite of technology and algorithms to flash 20% more numbers at you than any other fitness tracker and when it beeps, its really quite loud.”

Simon Williams is a great big fat man who has long been looking for a product that will convincingly make him feel like he is getting healthier.

“I’m not an idiot,” explained Mr Williams.

“I know that spending all day on the sofa in my pants eating cereal from the box isn’t a great lifestyle choice.

“I need to make a change, and if the RunBastard 5000 will convincingly make me feel like I’ve made that change, then I will definitely get one.”

The RunBastard 5000 will be released alongside the RunBastard 10000, a premium version of the tracker that costs twice as much as the base model and has different colour straps and a slightly louder beep.

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