Friday 30 August 2019 by Chris Ballard

You can debate no-deal Brexit but next week’s not looking great, says Brexiter in charge of scheduling House of Commons business


Jacob Rees-mogg on parliamentary business

The Leader of the House of Commons Jacob Rees-Mogg has expressed great regret that with such a packed timetable there may not be time to discuss Brexit before Parliament is suspended.

Former Justice Secretary David Gauke has said that next week could be MPs’ only opportunity to challenge a no-deal Brexit.

However, the man whose job it is to arrange business in the House of Commons claims that the agenda is already pretty full of vitally important items.

“Next week you say? Oooh…,” said Jacob Rees-Mogg as he gave the world’s most infuriating smirk. “That’s going to be tricky I’m afraid. Let’s see…

“Monday – oh we’re all still on holiday.

“Tuesday – we get back in the afternoon and then it’s prayers followed by new term drinks and nibbles.

“Wednesday is obviously Prime Minister’s Questions when Boris will waffle incoherently without giving a single sensible answer while we all jeer and laugh condescendingly at each other. Splendid fun!

“Oh, I might be able to fit you in on Thursday morning. Oh no, sorry – that slot has just been filled by one of my colleagues. They want to introduce a heritage Bill to make all police officers say ‘Ullo, ullo, ullo, what’s all this then?’ whenever they turn up at a crime scene.

“As for Friday, well that’s the long-awaited Jaffa Cake Bill – the ‘cake or biscuit’ issue will be debated at length and the final decision enshrined in law once and for all.

“Don’t look at me like that – Jeremy Corbyn tabled that one.”

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