Friday 30 August 2019 by Chris Ballard

Conservatives to be vaccinated against virulent strain of ‘Integrity’ after government whip resigns over prorogation


Tories to be vaccinated against integrity

All Conservatives are to be immediately vaccinated against integrity after Tory whip George Young succumbed to this terrible disease of the conscience.

George Young has resigned as a government whip in the House of Lords over the Prime Minister’s decision to suspend Parliament and maximise the chances of pushing through a no-deal Brexit.

Doctors immediately diagnosed a dangerous bout of integrity – a sometimes contagious disease which is potentially career-ending for Tory politicians.

“As you know I’m a man of action,” said Boris. “I need to nip this outbreak of moral virtue in the bud before it destroys the entire nation.

“Interestingly, blood tests revealed that I’m actually immune to it – lucky m!. But what if my Cabinet gets infected?

“Before you know it we’ll have a fair and adequately administered benefit system, a functioning NHS, a complete lack of nepotism, social mobility, tolerance – perhaps even love for God’s sake!

“It just doesn’t bear thinking about!

“I simply cannot have my ministers standing up for democracy or suggesting that anything I do is in any way incorrect.

“I’m just glad this happened now and not after Brexit when there won’t be any bloody vaccines.

“Er, keep shtum on that last bit, there’s a good chap.”

Meanwhile, President Donald Trump has expressed disappointment that his friend Boris has resorted to using a vaccine.

“Those things are nasty. Why is Boris doing this? So sad.

“He’s a clever guy – I just hope his great mind isn’t affected by this dangerous jab.

“I need him to be able to understand my instructions.”

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