Thursday 29 August 2019 by Chris Ballard

Boris Johnson commissions fantasy writer George R.R. Martin to write Queen’s Speech


George RR Martin to write queen's speech

Boris Johnson is getting the world’s most successful living fantasy author to write the fictional nonsense the Queen will have to read out to Parliament outlining how the new PM will make Britain a better place.

The final volume of George R.R. Martin’s ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ is likely to be further delayed as the author takes time out to write some fantastical bollocks for Boris Johnson.

“Martin is an incredible writer,” said Boris.

“It’s rare that a character in a novel speaks to you to such an extent you feel the author must know you personally. But that Joffrey – wow, what a guy! That’s how I treat my women!

“And all that stuff about dead benefits scroungers rising up, not paying any taxes despite using public highways and killing hard-working aristocracy – it’s all complete fiction and yet somehow rings true!

“Anyway, I knew Martin was the man to help me tell my fictional story to the country.

“He’s already sent me some sample lines:

“‘My government will seek to maintain a deep and special partnership with European allies and to forge new trading relationships across the globe’.

“‘My ministers will strengthen the economy’.

“‘A priority will be to build a more united country’.

“Haha, you couldn’t make this shit up, could you? Well, I mean you could – and he has!”

It will be left up to Her Majesty the Queen to read out the lies to Parliament.

“I don’t mind,” she said. “People know I don’t actually write that crap.

“Mind you, if the lies are particularly toxic I’m not afraid to step in and be a disruptive force for the good of my nation.

“Yeah that’s right, I can fuck shit up when I want to – for example, I could wear a hat and coat that don’t match.”

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