Sunday 18 August 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Prevent seagulls from stealing chips by smearing yourself in excrement, say scientists


seagull chips

Following last week’s announcement that the best way to prevent seagulls stealing your chips was to stare at them, scientists have now come up with new advice.

“Following further experiments, I can confirm that, actually, the best way to prevent seagulls from attempting to steal your food is to smear yourself in excrement,” explained Professor Simon Williams, Head of Oxford University’s department of seagulls, pigeons and other birds of the dickhead genus.

“I read last week’s news about staring at seagulls with interest, but it was patently nonsense, how can you stare at an angry mess of feathers as it’s swooping into your chip bag.”

Intrigued, Professor Williams set up an experiment with his students.

“We took three of my best students, covered one with ketchup, another with paint, and a third with excrement.

“Seagulls loved the ketchup one, which makes sense. What’s better for a seagull than stealing a chip? Stealing a chip that you can then dunk in ketchup.

“There was seagull ambivalence towards the student covered in paint. I guess they thought they were stealing chips from an oddly-shaped wall.

“However, not a single seagull stole a chip from the student who was covered in excrement. It seems that seagulls are put off by the smell and texture and possibly a little alarmed at the mindset of someone who would smear themselves in excrement.”

Professor Williams confirmed that it didn’t need to be your own excrement.

“No, a friend’s will work just as well as your own. Just cover yourself with it and seagulls will stay away.

“You may have to deal with slightly shitty chips, but that’s clearly a small price to pay.”

Professor Williams also believed that dousing yourself in urine would work but, on a hot day, it would evaporate, so it would be necessary to repeat the dousing regularly.

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