Sunday 18 August 2019 by Arabin Patson

Larry the Downing Street Cat accepts offer to lead a Government of National Unity


Larry the Cat government of national unity

As the row escalates on how to stop Boris Johnson from implementing a catastrophic No Deal Brexit, Downing Street’s resident feline has announced he would be happy step up in order to stop the acrimonious fight between Labour and the Lib Dems.

Larry’s official spokesperson, Simon Williams, explained that the somewhat ineffective mouse hunter was the natural choice to run a caretaker government as polls prove he has consistently been the most trusted figure in Number 10 since 2011.

He told reporters, “Larry has never sought power, preferring to carry on his duties of lazily chasing after rats and letting politicians pretend they are decent people by taking pictures with him. But in this case, the nation comes first and someone has to break the impasse.

“Labour naturally wants to lead any successful attempt to topple Boris Johnson as they are the biggest opposition party. Other groups are reluctant to follow Jeremy Corbyn as no one trusts him not to go ahead with Brexit and declare the UK a Bolivarian republic or some other Trotskyite bollocks.

“So Larry will run a caretaker government, get the EU to give us an extension, call a referendum with several options and perhaps pass a quick law that makes collars with bells illegal. And then finally the country can move on.”

Although he has strictly adhered to the civil service code of neutrality, it is an open secret that Larry has had a stressful relationship with the Johnson government.

Sources close to the cat confirm that friction has arisen over excessive noise, a complete absence of leftovers, competition for the attention of female staff, cocaine residue getting in his fur and “that creepy fucker Dominic Cummings”.

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