Friday 16 August 2019 by James Appleton

‘Shutting up’ Uber drivers’ best chance of getting five stars


Uber driver told to shut up

Data released by exploitative transport company Uber has revealed that the best technique a driver has to ensure five-star reviews is to shut up.

A spokesperson for the company said, “While other strategies – like the offer of charging sockets or suspicious sweets – helped to increase the average score of the driver, the absolute surefire way to get five stars is to keep your mouth shut.

“You can see why some drivers might feel that it is polite to make small talk,” the spokesperson continued. “After all, we do it all the time at work or family gatherings.

“However, our research emphatically says this is out of obligation and nobody actually enjoys it.”

Simon Williams, a regular user of Uber after striking out at London nightclubs, concurs with the research.

“I think the rating system was meant to show how well they drive or how clean the car is,” Williams said, sadly tapping at his phone in the drizzle outside Fabric.

“But honestly, the guy could mow down a slew of pedestrians while I sat in his leftover takeaway and I would still give him full marks if he did it without asking how my night was.”

NewsThump sought to collect the views of Uber drivers on these reports, but none were willing to comment.

Five stars.

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