Thursday 15 August 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Delighted A-Level student’s grades set him on path to well-paid, soul-destroying job


Teen a level results

An A-Level student has received grades that will set him on the path to a job that will pay him well and absolutely crush his spirit.

Simon Williams, 18, received two As and a B and will go on to study English and Journalism at York University before leaving with a respectable 2:1.

“Then it’s off into a boring yet lucrative sales job which bears little relevance to my degree or my dreams,” beamed the bright-eyed, doomed young man.

“I’ll be on around sixty grand a year, which will be nice, but I’ll never have time to enjoy it and the job will involve being nice to people I hate, constant pressure to meet sales targets and pretending to laugh at the terrible jokes of older men whose business I need in order to eat.

“I’ll have the occasional thought of quitting in order to pursue a career that the current, optimistic me would actually enjoy before realising I’m in a wage-trap, and that none of the jobs I would enjoy pay very well at all.

“Then I’ll have a bit of a cry before pulling myself together for a presentation about something to do with machine parts that I don’t really understand or care about but have learned to bluff my way through.

“Then I’ll go home and drink myself to sleep before the whole miserable cycle continues the next day until I either retire or die.

“I’m very lucky.”

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