No matter how much it twists and pulls the UK simply cannot get the tomato sauce out of a sachet it picked up three years ago.
In the summer of 2016 the people of Britain had an important decision to make. Did they want ketchup on their chips or mayonnaise?
They chose ketchup and duly selected the appropriate sachet from the condiment trolley. Fair enough, this is a democracy after all.
But the sachet still remains steadfastly closed.
First the UK couldn’t find the little slit to tear it open, then its hands were too greasy and then…THIS FUCKING THING!!!
And now, over three years later, there are very real fears that if it goes on much longer the UK will have to eat its chips without any sauce at all.
The Prime Minister addressed the nation to quash any concerns.
“Look, I love sauce as much as the next man,” said Boris. “My aim is to eat proper British chips – none of that French fries nonsense – dipped in a vaguely tomatoey and really quite vinegary sauce.
“If we can’t open this sachet we’ll just buy ketchup from the States. It might be rather more expensive but it’ll come in a bottle actually shaped like a tomato – how cool is that?
“And if that’s unaffordable then jolly well eat your chips dry. Do you think they had ketchup during the war?
“We’re British dammit! As long as we have potatoes we don’t need anything else!
“Which, er, is bloody handy actually…”