Apparent US President Donald Trump has launched a passionate defence of Americans’ right to bear arms by invoking the Wolverines, the former high school football team who became an insurgent group of freedom fighters during the Russian occupation in the film Red Dawn.
His comments came in the wake of the 6,487th mass shooting in America this year.
“I remember a small town in Colorado, back in 1984,” said the President, as he attempted to arrange his face into an expression of gravitas.
“That town was called Calumet, and they had a football team called Wolverines.
“I remember the brave men of the Wolverines who, when Russians parachuted into their town, they did not quietly surrender, folks, they did not.
“What they did, like true American heroes, they took their guns, that our great constitution allows them to legally own. They took those guns and they fought back. They fought back against those Russians.”
He also recalled how he gave aid to the Wolverines.
“When the Red Dawn crisis was occurring, I saw for myself how bravely the Wolverines fought, because I, personally, smuggled supplies into Russian occupied territory to help them.
“Which Barack Obama definitely did not do, so who’s the better President?
“There was a similar although less memorable set of events in 2012 when North Korean troops invaded Spokane, Washington, for some reason.
“Every few years, there is a Red Dawn problem where foreign troops occupy America and Americans have to fight back and it is for that reason that Democrats should not be allowed to take your guns away, folks.”
It is estimated that America experienced one mass shooting and twenty-six other instances of gun crime whilst the President was speaking.