Friday 2 August 2019 by Pete Redfern

Boris tells Whaley Bridge residents that the dam won’t collapse if they think about it more optimistically


Boris to Whaley Bridge residents be more optimistic

Boris Johnson has this morning given the residents of Whaley Bridge a much-needed pep talk.

Over fifteen hundred people have fled their homes in the Derbyshire town, over fears that a nearby reservoir dam wall could collapse following signs of damage appearing on one side, and following direct orders from police to evacuate the area immediately.

However, addressing the people of Whaley Bridge this morning, Prime Minister Johnson gave an alternate set of clear instructions on how to handle the threat of a catastrophic collapse, saying, “Look, a lot of experts that the dam could collapse, but it hasn’t happened yet, so no-one really knows how things are going to end up, do they?

“It’s this kind of ‘Project Fear’ that blackens our reputation as a load of trembling, fearful snowflakes pussy cats, and I say enough is enough!”

Looking straight to camera he barked, “To the people of Whaley Bridge I say this: Where is your pluck? Where is your optimism, your confidence? Anything is possible with the right attitude.

“I want you to look this dam square in the face and tell it to pull itself together! Ignore all the scientists and engineers who have warned about a so-called ‘collapse’ – that’s the kind of negative talk we could do without, and shame on them for saying it, the unpatriotic blighters.”

From the safety of a B&B in a neighbouring town, Whaley Bridge resident Simon Williams responded, “I suppose some lazy ‘writer’ from an online satire site could turn this into a joke about Brexit, but the metaphor falls apart as we didn’t vote to punch a hole in the side of the bloody dam in the first place, did we?”

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