Modern-day gladiator and brave war veteran Mark Francois has today demanded he be allowed a seat at the table for Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s no-deal ‘war cabinet’ meetings.
According to sources in Westminster, Mark Francois ran to his mother’s house demanding that she wash and iron his Territorial Army uniform, as he wanted to look his best for the meeting that he hadn’t been invited to.
“When Mark – or Billy Bunter MP, as we call him – returned it was quite a sight to behold, I can tell you” revealed our source.
“The uniform was VERY tight-fitting, but remarkably clean. Almost as if it had seen no military action, ever.”
Our source clarified, “I believe he wore it to go camping in Swanage once, but it turns out that wasn’t even part of his territorial army training – he just insisted on wearing it on a family holiday.”
Mark’s mother later told us, “I know he gets carried away sometimes, but I see no harm in letting Mark indulge in his little army fantasies. Although he does tend to blur the lines between reality and make-believe sometimes.
“He hasn’t been trained to kill anyone, for example, and the only thing he’s ever demolished is a cream tea at the Ritz.”
Officials at Downing Street, where the ‘war cabinet’ meetings are being held, have confirmed that Mr Francois has not been allowed to join the meetings, mostly because his surname sounds a bit foreign.