Tuesday 30 July 2019 by Chris Ballard

Man who wished for a ‘powerful BJ’ realises enchanted monkey’s paw has backfired again


man who wished for Bojo

A man who used an enchanted monkey’s paw to make three wishes is now suffering the consequences of tampering with fate.

It was May 2016. Simon Williams was on a business trip to Cairo when his hosts took him to a local market.

“At one stall was this rather grisly but fascinating item – a monkey’s paw,” said Simon.

“The seller explained that it was magic and that it would grant me three wishes.

“My colleagues warned me that such an item was cursed and that any wishes I made would inevitably backfire with terrible consequences.

“Well, I’ve never believed in curses and other such nonsense. Wishes, however, are definitely a thing so I happily paid about fifty quid for the paw and took it back to my hotel room.

“The EU referendum was coming up. I decided to test the power of the paw with my first wish.

“Gripping it tightly I said, ‘I wish most people don’t vote to leave the EU.’

“Now I freely admit that was a badly worded wish. It technically came true – if you add up those who voted Remain, no-shows and people ineligible to vote.

“Of course at the time, in my stuffy Cairo hotel room, I didn’t know that. I was just giddy with the possibilities.

“Then I said, ‘I wish Donald Trump would reveal himself to be a horrendous sexual predator’. I was obviously just hoping he wouldn’t get elected.

“Little did I realise that the ‘pussy-grabbing’ comments which surfaced soon afterwards would only boost his support with certain idiotic demographics.

“It then occurred to me that to really test the paw I needed to wish for something a bit more immediate rather than trying to make the world a better place with grand gestures.

“It was then I made my greatest mistake – I wished for a ‘powerful BJ.’

“I then hit the hotel bar but, as usual, totally failed to pull.

“And now with Boris Johnson in Number Ten we are all paying the price for my stupidity.

“My advice to you is the same I would give to Boris as he approaches a policy document – do not meddle in things you don’t understand.”

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