Labour furiously preparing itself to f*ck up any chance of winning an election

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The Labour party has found itself in a race against time to guarantee they will blow any opportunity of getting into power when Boris Johnson inevitably makes a complete hash of things and is forced to call a General Election.

Speaking from Labour HQ, Strategy Coordinator Simon Williams explained his staff were working round the clock to find a way that would guarantee Jeremy Corbyn stays in the opposition for a long time.

He explained. “It’s been non-stop for about a week now. Boris could call this election at any moment and we have to be ready to miss that open goal so we can spend another few lovely years doing marches and petitions. But it’s not easy. Boris is so unpopular people might just force us into power and make us do something.”

Mr Williams explained that the party would use a combination of old and new tactics to guarantee another colossal disappointment.

“We plan to make the election about Jeremy Corbyn even though he has the appeal of leftover hospital food and gets cranky after five minutes with a journalist.

“But we are also trying out new methods like refusing to join a Lib Dem attempt to call for a No Confidence vote. And of course, we have our infuriating lack of clarity over Brexit which we will exacerbate by encouraging political svengalis like Alastair Campbell to snipe at us from the outside. That should do it.

“Jeremy is a born leader of the opposition and always will be. He will survive any snap election without having to move house and get back to fighting the source of all suffering in this country.