Member of Parliament and part-time slenderman impersonator Jacob Rees-Mogg has issued a writing style guide to all members of his staff this afternoon. But what are the highlights?
RULES FOR UNDERLINGS.
To combat a shocking decline in standards, all but myself must obey the following rules. I shall not be bound by them, as evidenced in my recent excellently-writted, well-received and best selling book, ‘Eminent Victorian’s’.
Do not use the Metric System. Or any other French invention, including pasteurisation, mayonnaise or aspirin. Use good, honest British alternatives or, better still, do without. Show some pluck!
Do not use decimal currency. Pounds, shillings and pence will suffice, but florins and groats for preference.
Terms of address. Untitled men are ‘Esquire’, after the totally most excellent example set by our colonial cousin Mr. Bill S. Preston, Esq, of California.
Unmarried women are ‘spinster of the parish’. Correspondence to married women should be addressed to their husband.
Use multiple spaces after a full stop. The more white space you can leave the better, in order to camouflage the lack of meaningful content.
FACT-CHECK YOUR WORK. If you find any, remove them immediately.
Certain words and phrases are strictly forbidden in communications, including
’I understand your concerns’ – I have never understood anyone’s concerns and I do not propose to start now.
’Get’, as in ‘Can I get a coffee?’ – I would immediately sack any member of the cast of Friends, and I will do the same to you if you speak like them.
’Friends’ – I watched it once. Awful moving daguerreotype ‘programme’. Do not mention it.
’Hopefully’ – There shall be no hope during my tenure.
’Unacceptable’ – Nothing is forbidden, everything is acceptable. This applies only to the actions of the Prime Minister.
’Equal’ – Equality has no place in our administration.
’Disappointment’ – this will go without saying.
‘Flaps’ – Can people please stop saying this to me? I do not understand it but makes me feel funny.