As Britain bakes in record-breaking heat, the government has been issuing advice such as drinking cold water, staying in the shade and “keeping your gob shut if you’re one of these attention-seeking bellends who claims climate change is a hoax”.
On the health advisory website, the NHS identified at-risk groups and gave instructions on what they should avoid while the mercury spikes.
It explained. “The elderly, the very young and people in poor health should take extra care to drink something cool every hour and stay out the sun.
“Especially at risk are those needy wankers who smirk as they claim climate change is a hoax. Studies have shown that any temperature over 30 makes it much too hot to cope with those pricks. They are at significant risk of having their faces slammed against a hot car bonnet and being asked if that burning sensation feels like a conspiracy from wind generator manufacturers.”
Simon Williams, an office worker who claims thousands of climatologists are lying for the fun of it and that a poorly-designed website based in Montana is the source of all truth, was grateful for the advice.
He told us, “I don’t believe a word I say about climate change. I just do it so that people will talk to me, if only to tell me I’m a twat. But I have noticed that they stopped trying to explain how science works and just walk away with their fists clenched. I’ll wait till things cool down before I start emailing obviously fake quotes by Einstein ‘proving’ climate change is a myth.
“Want to talk about what’s wrong with feminism instead?”