Everyone already missing Theresa May

author avatar by 5 years ago

Just forty-eight hours into the Johnson premiership and already everyone is missing Theresa May.

It seems that the reality of having a racist, duplicitous, diffident, lazy bully in the office of prime minister isn’t quite the tonic for the country that everyone thought it might be.

“I’ll be honest, I thought Theresa May was rubbish,” explained Simon Williams, a normal human being.

“I mean, she was incompetent, unimaginative, charmless and seemed to actively dislike a large proportion of the electorate.

“But a couple of hours of Johnson in charge and she’s beginning to seem like Nelson Mandela.

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“What I wouldn’t give for her to do her comedy dance back into power now, because this is just bloody awful.”

It’s not just normal human beings who have found themselves nostalgic for Theresa May, Amber Rudd is a leading Tory minister.

“Oh, dear sweet mother of Christ, what have we done?” she exclaimed, shell-shocked.

“This is the office of Gladstone, Churchill, and, to a lesser extent, Major, and now we’ve put a man in charge because he used to be quite funny on a panel show.

“God, I miss Theresa May.”

Despite the criticism, members of Boris’s team have declared the first few hours of his premiership a complete success, because, at the time of writing, he hasn’t soiled himself, used overtly racist language or condemned a British national to incarceration in the prison system of a hostile nation.