Friday 26 July 2019 by Chris Ballard

Don’t put ice lollies into Boris Johnson to cool down, women warned


Boris insert ice lollies

As UK temperatures reached record-breaking highs some women have been so desperate to cool down that they’ve inserted ice lollies into Boris Johnson and other senior Tories.

Keeping cool in 39-degree heat is tough – the air conditioning unit is expensive and noisy, fans just move hot air around and cold showers are something that only soldiers and prisoners should have to endure.

Which is why some women have been putting ice lollies in places that could be dangerous for their health – inside Tory Cabinet members.

“Things that seem harmless and innocent in most places can become deadly when inserted into a Conservative politician,” said Doctor Simon Williams.

“Take Boris Johnson – on the face of it he’s just a hairy Conservative Prime Minister, a bit wet, probably slightly smelly and if you got close up you suspect not too pretty. But essentially, no obvious signs that he shouldn’t be on the receiving end of an ice lolly.

“However, the natural toxins present in Tories can react with the food colourings in ice lollies and cause a lot of pain and suffering.

“Lollies can also exacerbate the acidity of Conservatives making them even more irritable and intolerant than usual – God help migrants or welfare claimants.

“In fact, David Cameron’s austerity policy actually started when a women stuck an ice lolly in him because she couldn’t sleep in heatwave conditions.

“Remember – Conservatives do not mix well with foreign bodies. So no ice lollies!”

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