Friday 26 July 2019

Boris left hugely disappointed by quality of Downing Street pussy


Larry the cat

Reports are emerging that new prime minister Boris Johnson has been left disappointed after being told that downing street had probably the best pussy in the country.

Just hours into his new administration Johnson was introduced to said pussy, only to be disappointed to find himself face-to-face with Larry the cat.

An insider told us, “When we said it’s time for you to meet the pussy, Boris started taking off his shirt. Before we knew it, he had his pants around his ankles, just before an aide had the cat in front of him.

“I’ve never seen a grown man look so dejected. He sat slumped into the armchair and said ‘I ate two viagra for THIS?’.

“Apparently he’d been looking forward to a bit of Downing Street pussy ever since his current squeeze started making him sleep on the sofa.”

Meanwhile Larry the cat has expressed his own opinions on the new prime minister.

He told us, “Hey, I wasn’t particularly impressed by our first meeting either.

“I was hoping for a great statesman, someone I and the nation could be proud of – but instead I’ve got a partially shaved honey monster with all the impulse control of a randy teenager and whose closest friends all appear to be cretinous morons.

“I mean, it’s nice to be able to shit on his pillow every night, but honestly, he actually makes me miss the daft old bint who was here before him.

“Do you think he will be here long? Oh that’s good to hear.”

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