Mark Francois still waiting by the phone

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Britain’s greatest soldier is adamant that there’s been some sort of administrative delay and that his invitation to join the cabinet as Minister for Bravery is coming and it’s just a remainer plot to keep him out and he’s not crying so shut up.

The highly decorated TA veteran was set to wait by the phone until he gets a call or his kitkats run out, as explained his parliamentary assistant, and paintball team aide-de-camp, Simon Williams.

“Waiting anxiously for a phone call a long time after any reasonable person would have given up might look weird and pathetic from civvy street, but in the brotherhood of arms this is standard operating procedure.

“This is not the first time Mark has had to drop everything and get ready for three-day tour of duty. He is a bloodied veteran of many long weekends and I can tell you his office is a sight more comfortable than a foxhole at Rayleigh’s Outdoor Adventure Zone.”

Mr Williams confirmed Mark Francois was acting on instructions from the new PM but conceded the message could have been misunderstood.

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“Mark was one of the earliest supporters of the new prime minister. Two weeks ago, Boris told him to get ready to do great things. Mark is a simple soldier who thinks in terms of tanks and other cool stuff. He has a warrior’s guileless mind. For him, that was a clear order to wait. He’s even had business cards made. They’ll still call.

“Won’t they?”

A request to Downing Street for comment about an eventual role for Mr Francois was met with a more succinct answer.