Thursday 25 July 2019

Jeremy Corbyn responds to renewed threat of no-deal Brexit with marathon jam-making session


Jeremy Corbyn allotment

Jeremy Corbyn has responded to Boris Johnson’s threat to take Britain out of the EU without a deal with a commitment to finish making three dozen jars of strawberry jam by this weekend.

The jam, which Corbyn described as a central plank of his policies, is currently setting in jars on his counter-top – meaning the Labour Leader is tragically unavailable to table a no-confidence motion in the new Prime Minister.

Corbyn is understood to be ‘fully committed’ to taking the jam out of the large stewing pot on his hob, and dismissed suggestions that he might find more constructive things to do with his time.

“As part of his firm pledge to listen to both party members and the people of Britain about the things which matter to them most, Jeremy has announced a wide-ranging consultation into whether they prefer pickle or chutney with their sandwiches,” a Labour spokesman told us.

“This follows his hard-hitting campaign earlier this year to ensure those little paper circles you put on the top of the jar are made from recycled materials.

“Voters can rest safe in the knowledge that the party leader will spend the summer recess fighting for them and their rights from the comfort and safety of his shed, when he’s not busy making some of his trademark preserves.”

The spokesman went on to describe any suggestion that Corbyn is an utterly hopeless waste of space as ‘smears from Conserve-atives’.

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