“A picture of that tennis girl with no shorts on scratching her arse” says Boris to Downing Street decorators

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Boris Johnson is making his mark on Ten Downing Street after meeting with the decorators tasked with making it like ‘home’.

Having moved in his collection of wine-crate buses, his extensive wardrobe of ill-fitting suits and his archive of Auto Trader magazines dating from 1987 to 2008, the massive blonde child held a meeting with the decorating team.

“He wants those lightbulbs that change colour, a lava lamp in every room and a revolving bed,” confirmed head decorator, Simon Williams.

“Oh yeah, and he wants a massive print of that famous photo of a female tennis player scratching her bare bottom. He was very emphatic about that. He wants it to face the front door so it’s the first thing people will see when they walk in.

“I would say they are odd requests but you should hear some of the funky shit Thatcher requested. We had to refuse a couple – particularly the stuffed and mounted miner that she wanted posed in a position of worship next to her bed.”

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Boris Johnson commented “RUFF RAH!

“Finally, I’m in. Let’s do away with this boring wallpaper and sensible carpets. I want a magic eye on every wall and an enormous, bearskin rug on every floor.

“And you’d better make it snappy with that picture of that tennis tart. Trump will love it.”