A terrible case of mistaken identity means that a slacker who calls himself ‘The Dude’ is about to become Prime Minister.
Boris Johnson reads the news and wonders what might have been. The competent, intelligent and articulate CEO of a major charity once thought about a life in politics but the Conservative Party rank and file didn’t seem interested.
Still, there were other ways to make the world a better place for the ordinary man and woman on the street which is all he wants to do.
Meanwhile, the man who’s actually now going to be PM is busy making the role his own.
“Call me The Dude or His Dudeness or Duder or El Duderino!” said the wrong Boris. “Actually, not that last one – it sounds dreadfully foreign doesn’t it?
“Let me explain my brilliant name.
“I’m going to Deliver a ruinous no-deal Brexit. That’s a promise.
“I’m going to Unite Kate and Meghan. Can’t have two pretty girls fighting like that. Under my guidance they’ll soon be kissing and making out, er, I mean up.
“I’m going to defeat Jeremy Corbyn. I’ve already beaten Jeremy Hunt and by the time I’m done there won’t be a Jeremy left in the land!
“I’m going to Energise the Queen. She’s always so bloody serious. I’m off to the Palace later and I’ll say, ‘Smile doll, it may never happen,’ and I’ll pinch her on the arse and she’ll be as giddy as a kipper.
“Oh yes, the future’s bright, the future’s Boris!”
But what about policy and the important business of running the country?
“Oh I’m not really a details man – I have people for that sort of thing.”
In the background one of The Dude’s buddies – the slightly unhinged Jacob Rees-Mogg – could be seen holding a gun to a civil servant’s head while screaming, “Mark it no deal!”