Wednesday 24 July 2019 by Arabin Patson

92,000 old Tories thoroughly enjoyed choosing a leader for 65 million Brits


old people happy to have voted in Boris

Tory party members have returned to their Wiltshire cottages and their suspiciously monoethnic golf clubs feeling very satisfied after having decided who will rule over millions of British people who had no say in the matter.

Simon Williams, a retired insurance salesman with varied prostate problems, was one of many Conservative Party members to sip a gin and tonic in quiet celebration of being so much more important than others.

“Inflicting Boris Johnson on the rest of the nation is a fair reward for years of arduous membership.

“I’ll be honest I originally joined just to network, like I did the freemasons and the rotary club. But eventually I did espouse key Tory principles like hating the poor so I can feel good fucking them over.

“So when I was told I could decide who would be in number 10, I was delighted as it felt like confirmation that I am in a class that is destined to lord it over little people who don’t have property portfolios.

“It was a hard decision to take, but in the end I went for Boris because when he came to our local party headquarters to campaign, he nodded and smiled when I told him that too many Asian families were buying houses in the village.”

Mr Williams was confident it was perfectly democratic for a bunch of gout-ridden retirees to decide who became Prime Minister.

“We have a clear mandate from the people who voted when they thought Theresa May was in charge. That’s democracy!”

“No, my children won’t speak to me. How did you guess?”

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