The outgoing Prime Minister has been amusing herself by defecating into plastic bags and leaving them in Downing Street locations where they’ll never be found.
If you’ve been wondering why Theresa May has seemed so happy lately – dancing more than usual, even smiling a little bit – then wonder no more.
“I’ve been leaving the new PM – let’s face it, Boris – some housewarming presents,” explained a giddy Mrs May.
“I had the idea on my last walking holiday – Philip and I spent a very happy few days crapping into bin liners in the Welsh valleys.
“Downing Street now contains more bags of poop than a bin at Crufts!
“I’m particularly proud of the one in the master bedroom – that was the result of a vegetable vindaloo and had to be double-bagged to prevent leakage.
“Let’s see how many young fillies Boris manages to entertain with that pervading the atmosphere!
“The Cabinet Room has two of my little secrets – one tucked into the fireplace and a small sandwich bag containing a single log that I managed to sew into one of the curtains.
“Whenever Boris is speaking his Cabinet members will be able to smell shit – it’ll be like a physical manifestation of their thoughts!
“And no matter how long he’s PM he’ll never find the one in the study – I’ve simply put it in a filing cabinet labelled ‘Facts and Expert Advice’.
“This is quite literally the best idea I’ve had in at least three years!”
Mrs May’s husband Philip was less enthusiastic about the plan.
“Who the fuck do you think had to hold the bags for her?” he said.